Coping With Never-ending Death and Finding Closure

     I have not written on this blog for a long time because I have decided to write a book about this part of my life. However the book is taking a while so I thought I would write about some things that come up as they happen. Things that I think about as the thoughts strike me.

     First of all I will state that my ex husband and father of my two sons has alcohol dementia. Yes he drank himself into this dementia. He was doing better in the nursing home but is now out on his own and back to his old ways. I do not speak to him anymore because he is mean.

     Today though, and at times in my life, he is on my mind. I don't like him to enter my thoughts, I don't like to remember things about him, but I do. It is hard also because well, even though he is mean and even though I feel disgust for him most of the time, I also still feel sorrow some of the time. In essence the man I knew and loved is gone, that person died years ago but yet his body lives on so there is just no closure. I think that is what is hardest of all.

     So today I went for this drive. I wanted to see the lake  in our area and see how full it is. As I was driving up to the lake a thought came to mind, that thought was that I should call my ex and tell him about the lake and how high it is. Then as that thought was there I remembered all the times we spent at the lake, I remembered only the good times and tears filled my eyes. I did not like that at all. I do not like feeling sad or weepy over someone who treated me like he did, but well, when history happens I feel that sorrow. I miss the person he was at one time, I miss the person I fell in love with and the person who was at one time my friend.

     Sometimes I find ways to make those bad memories enter my mind too so that I can stop feeling sad about him. I think about how he made me feel most all of the time. But lately it is harder to conjure up those old feelings. It is harder to feel the hatred. I just feel sad for him, sad on all he has missed in life. Sad that he will never experience the love of his two sons or grandson. Sad that the person I once loved is gone and sad that the good memories over shadow the bad sometimes when the bad was more prevalent in reality.

     As I write this I feel the anger enter my mind. The anger I feel over not having the loving marriage I wanted, anger that my kids did not get the family life and dad they deserved. Anger that life has been so hard for us and I also feel a sorrow in the fact that I only wanted a simple life, a husband, kids, home, and love. But I did not have that, yet that is what I had to give. So that makes me angry and that anger helps me cope with the feelings I had during the day. I know it makes no sense...

     I wondered today as I was driving around if maybe the reason that it is hard to deal with the memories sometimes is because there is no closure. He is alive in body but the spirit of the man is gone. That is what is meant by the Never-ending Death. The brain and person is gone but the body lives on. I hope that someday soon I find closure and think that the book I am working on will be that step to what I need.