Coping With Never-ending Death and Finding Closure

     I have not written on this blog for a long time because I have decided to write a book about this part of my life. However the book is taking a while so I thought I would write about some things that come up as they happen. Things that I think about as the thoughts strike me.

     First of all I will state that my ex husband and father of my two sons has alcohol dementia. Yes he drank himself into this dementia. He was doing better in the nursing home but is now out on his own and back to his old ways. I do not speak to him anymore because he is mean.

     Today though, and at times in my life, he is on my mind. I don't like him to enter my thoughts, I don't like to remember things about him, but I do. It is hard also because well, even though he is mean and even though I feel disgust for him most of the time, I also still feel sorrow some of the time. In essence the man I knew and loved is gone, that person died years ago but yet his body lives on so there is just no closure. I think that is what is hardest of all.

     So today I went for this drive. I wanted to see the lake  in our area and see how full it is. As I was driving up to the lake a thought came to mind, that thought was that I should call my ex and tell him about the lake and how high it is. Then as that thought was there I remembered all the times we spent at the lake, I remembered only the good times and tears filled my eyes. I did not like that at all. I do not like feeling sad or weepy over someone who treated me like he did, but well, when history happens I feel that sorrow. I miss the person he was at one time, I miss the person I fell in love with and the person who was at one time my friend.

     Sometimes I find ways to make those bad memories enter my mind too so that I can stop feeling sad about him. I think about how he made me feel most all of the time. But lately it is harder to conjure up those old feelings. It is harder to feel the hatred. I just feel sad for him, sad on all he has missed in life. Sad that he will never experience the love of his two sons or grandson. Sad that the person I once loved is gone and sad that the good memories over shadow the bad sometimes when the bad was more prevalent in reality.

     As I write this I feel the anger enter my mind. The anger I feel over not having the loving marriage I wanted, anger that my kids did not get the family life and dad they deserved. Anger that life has been so hard for us and I also feel a sorrow in the fact that I only wanted a simple life, a husband, kids, home, and love. But I did not have that, yet that is what I had to give. So that makes me angry and that anger helps me cope with the feelings I had during the day. I know it makes no sense...

     I wondered today as I was driving around if maybe the reason that it is hard to deal with the memories sometimes is because there is no closure. He is alive in body but the spirit of the man is gone. That is what is meant by the Never-ending Death. The brain and person is gone but the body lives on. I hope that someday soon I find closure and think that the book I am working on will be that step to what I need.

Current Times and Book to Come

     I am still going to write on this blog regarding this subject but I am also writing a book about it. I want to share my experience with an alcoholic and also maybe help others see they are not alone. It has been a rough 30+ years for me. The relationship with my ex did not end with divorce because we have kids together. It is pretty much over now because our kids are grown but it is sad that it has come to that. It is sad that he is the kind of person I  do not even want to speak to and hope to never see again in my entire life.

     It is sad that I would not feel sorrow if the man I loved once would leave this world, I would actually feel relief because he is such a mentally abusive person to myself and mostly to our sons.  I just do not know how anyone can treat their own kids like has been treating ours.

     It is sad that I wish he had not survived last year when he became ill and sad that I wish I had not taken over and helped him and I wish he had lost everything he owns.

     I will get into more detail later on and in my book. I plan to focus most of my time on the book however.

The Second Year

Our first year ended in losing my sweet father in law. The second year was full of alcohol and loss too. Jerry did not let up on drinking. He also did not let up on disappearing for hours or days either.

Jerry's brother Terry joined in on the fun too. They were drinking together a lot. Their mom would followthem and chew them out and they would both be angry with her. I got mad because she really did need to leave them alone but yet still cared for her and was close to her.

One time Jerry, his brother, his brotheres five year old son  and I went ice fishing. It was neat going to the lake and cuting the hole, then putting out a tent to fish. Of course though the day had to be full of beeer. Jerry and his brother had their cases of beer and before the day was done were both trashed. They stayed all night at the lake while my nephew and I went home. We went back the next day to fishi wht them and as we were headed there my little five year old nephew said to me " I wish my daddy would not be drunk all the time." that broke my heart.

I spent many nights finding Jerry at the bar.I hated it.

There were days he stayed sober but those were days he would get up, eat and nap all day. It was sad that I looked forward to him napping all day just so he was home sober.

Jerry lost his job at the cable company close to our first anniversary. He had failed to show up to work too many times. The boss knew him and knew he was out drinking the night before and did not make it to work because he had stayed up too late.

Not too long after he lost his job at the cable company he did find one at a motor shop and was making very good money so it was nice to not be broke all of the time. I had hoped that we  would get ahead but the drinking sucked all the money he made.

Our love life remained the same, pretty much non-existant. He was not interested in me at all. I heard from one of his friends that it was because he did cocaine but I wasnt' sure. I wanted to believe that he would not do that.

He still played the games iwht me hwere he would get me all excited only to say he was tired and go to bed.

This year was the year when he started being mad at me for reasons unknown too. I would sit next tom him wanting to cuddle and he would just fold his arms. I would ask what was wrong and he would tell me nothing. Then a few days later he would say he was made at me but couldn't remember why. I got the silent treatment a lot. As for our love life, I think we had sex maybe once every two or three months. This was hard on a young woman like me.

Jerry's brother and him drank together more and more this year. They also fought a lot because Terry was a violent drunk. It was a trying time. 

So the second year moved along with Jerry drunk, cold to me most of the time and me wondering what I had gotten myself into. So around August of 1995 I had decided once again that I would leave him. But on one horrible night his brother, Terry, my brother nad friend, killed himself. He had been drunk and mad so he was gonig to show everyone. We were all devastaed. I could not leave Jerry now.

I hoped that maybe all of this tragedy would make Jerry see how destructive alcohol was. I was wrong, it did not. 

Losing Terry was so hard on all of us. My heart was broken. I had lost a dear friend. His mom was so heartbroken ans well, we all were.

Not too long after Terry died I got a job at a hotel in the area called The Cortez Inn. That experience is one that would save me from being completely depressed over my marriage to

There Were Good Times The First Year

I have painted such a bleak picture of my marriage to Jerry the first year but do feel it is important to mention that there were good times. Not a lot of them but they were there. I guess if there had not been some good times I could not have stuck it out that long.

We bought a boat the first year we were together and had some fun on the boat. We took it to the lake and played inteh water with friends. The sad thing was that Jerry was most always drunk so the day ended up bad. Well except when I had my friends to be around. 

We also went out to dinner once a week with Jerry's work and to lunch every Friday. It was a lot of fun because of the friends we had.

Bowling league was fun too and there were even times we would just go bowling on a Friday night and had a lot of fun. Of course our fun was marred by him being drunk but once in a while he would not get too drunk and it would be a lot of fun.

More of the First Year-Drunken Friends

It was very hard losing my father-in-law. I had gotten very close to him since I took care of him during the day while Jerry's mom, Lois worked. I got to know him very well and was sad but yet glad he was no longer suffering. Sadly though Jerry's drinking did not improve,our life did not improve and how he treated me did not improve.

Since this was all so long ago it is hard for me to remember some things and how they were but I need to back up to before Paul died.

There was so much going on the first year of my marriage, Terry and I became very good friends and Jerry also found a golfing buddy who he spent a lot of time with that first summer of our marriage in 1984. This golfing buddy's name was Dave and Dave was trouble. Jerry would go golfing after work and not come home until 2 AM. There were times that he would go golfing after work and not come home for two or three days. I would have no idea where he was at. Most of the time he would be found in Montrose, Colorado drunk for the entire weekend. He would come home, apologize and I would forgive him.

Many times when Jerry and Dave would go golfing I would find him in the bar. Yes I was the stupid wife who hunted her husband down. I would be very upset and sad that he spent most of his time drunk.

One time I think during that first summer together we were planning a picnic. We got everything ready and was ready to load it in the car when Jerry said he needed to go get gas or something. Well I waited and waited but he never came home. He did not show up that night and was still not home in the morning. He did not return that day nor that night. I believe that time he was once again found drunk in Montrose. I forgave him yet again.

There were fun times though, there were times when I went golfing with Jerry and Dave. There were times when Dave came over and played cards. He even taught us to play cribbage which was a lot of fun. There were many times when Jerry would get trashed, pass out and Dave and I would play games. Dave would tell me then that Jerry was the one who never wanted me to come with them places. I was not sure what to believe, it did not matter, I just wanted a normal life. I was only 21 at the time. A young person hoping for a family life, a loving husband and I wanted to start a family.

During all of this yes I still wanted to start a family. I hoped if we had kids Jerry would stop drinking. But to get pregnant you have to be together and well, intimacy with Jerry was very limited. I was this tiny little thing with a great shape at the time. I would buy skimpy negligees hoping he would want me. It never worked, on the rare occasions he was home and sober he would tell me that he was tired and wanted to watch TV.  I kid you not, we were intimate maybe once every month maybe. Sometimes less. Those times were only when he was drunk too and the only reason I even let him touch me when he was drunk was to have kids.  Of course it did not work.

We did have fun times with Terry and his family but most of the time Jerry would get very drunk. Terry was not drinking as heavy as Jerry yet.

So up until our first anniversary on October 15 of 1984 Jerry and I might have made love 7 times. He spent most nights drunk and disappeared for two or three days around six times, maybe more.

Jerry also liked to go hunting and spent our first anniversary in the mountains. I spent it with my mom and his mom.

The disappearances, lack of affection and drinking was taking its toll on me so I really had planned to leave him before his dad died.

Next stop will be year two.....

More About the First Year

The first year of my marriage also inluded me getting closer to my mother and father in law. I really liked them both a lot. My mother-in-law could be a bit hateful to people but I did get along with her.
I also had a great relationship with my brother-in-law who was 5 years younger than Jerry and his name was Terry. We became like a brother and sister.

Sadly Terry had a drinking problem too but had stopped for a while. But eventually he began drinking again and him and Jerry spent a lot of time drunk together.

During our first year of marriage Jerry and I did join a bowling league which was a lot of fun. We spent a lot of time bowling actually. Jerry was a good bowler except when he got drunk. I always hoped that he would just drink a few beers each night we went bowling but he would drink many beers and  get trashed. Everything we did usually ended up with him trashed. Terry bowled with us sometimes too which was fun.

Jerry's dad had hardening of the arteries and had been ill for years. I started taking care of him durin the day while Jerry's mom worked. I got to know him very well and he told me many times that he wished so much that Jerry would stop drinking. He would cry over it. Jerry's mom, Lois was also not very nice to him much of the time. I know he felt like a burden to her because he told me many times that he wished he was not a burden.

One night in September, Paul Miller took his own life. He had been in very bad shape and most likely would not have lived the night but he was tired and he was done. It was a very hard time for everyone. Jerry and Terry had been getting wood and off getting drunk when it happened. Terry's wife Monica found them and told them what had happened to their dad, they came over to the house and we all were together there for the night.

I was heartbroken and of course so was the entire family. What was even harder for me was that I had been considering leaving Jerry because I was so tired of how he treated me and of the drinking. I also had discovered that he was smoking pot and possibly doing other drugs too. But I could not leave Jerry after his dad killed himself.  I felt sorry for him and hoped that somehow maybe this would stop him from drinking, maybe he would change. I was wrong....

Backtracking a Little: My Road to Recovery

I wanted to back track a little bit and say some things I did not say in the beginning of this story. I want to share what happens to someone when they delve into the world of alcohol. I want to share how someone becomes a person who fries his brain with alcohol.

However this is not just about the road to alcohol dementia. It is mostly my journey along side my ex husband as he walked that fateful road. It is about how I stayed in the marriage for 20 years, how I became "that wife". The wife who enabled the alcoholic. How I survived life with an alcoholic and how I finally found the courage to walk away.

It is also about how even though I walked away I struggled to stay away from the entire situation because of our children together. How Jerry's mom was also an enabler and how I finally broke free from the co-dependency of being "that wife".

Then I have come full circle and am once again a part of his life but yet am not. I still have my freedom from him but yet feel imprisoned by my life with an calico and the roads I've traveled.

I hope by the end of this story I am healed and can move past all of this. The family of an alcoholic suffers greatly. I hope that I can help my children heal because they have been effected by the alcoholism too. They actually do much better than me most of the time but they also have ghosts that haunt them. I hope as I write here I can help them heal too through my words and as we move forward together as a family. I am much better than I was years ago but there are still many ghosts that haunt me and this blog is my road to recovery.