The first year of my marriage also inluded me getting closer to my mother and father in law. I really liked them both a lot. My mother-in-law could be a bit hateful to people but I did get along with her.
I also had a great relationship with my brother-in-law who was 5 years younger than Jerry and his name was Terry. We became like a brother and sister.
Sadly Terry had a drinking problem too but had stopped for a while. But eventually he began drinking again and him and Jerry spent a lot of time drunk together.
During our first year of marriage Jerry and I did join a bowling league which was a lot of fun. We spent a lot of time bowling actually. Jerry was a good bowler except when he got drunk. I always hoped that he would just drink a few beers each night we went bowling but he would drink many beers and get trashed. Everything we did usually ended up with him trashed. Terry bowled with us sometimes too which was fun.
Jerry's dad had hardening of the arteries and had been ill for years. I started taking care of him durin the day while Jerry's mom worked. I got to know him very well and he told me many times that he wished so much that Jerry would stop drinking. He would cry over it. Jerry's mom, Lois was also not very nice to him much of the time. I know he felt like a burden to her because he told me many times that he wished he was not a burden.
One night in September, Paul Miller took his own life. He had been in very bad shape and most likely would not have lived the night but he was tired and he was done. It was a very hard time for everyone. Jerry and Terry had been getting wood and off getting drunk when it happened. Terry's wife Monica found them and told them what had happened to their dad, they came over to the house and we all were together there for the night.
I was heartbroken and of course so was the entire family. What was even harder for me was that I had been considering leaving Jerry because I was so tired of how he treated me and of the drinking. I also had discovered that he was smoking pot and possibly doing other drugs too. But I could not leave Jerry after his dad killed himself. I felt sorry for him and hoped that somehow maybe this would stop him from drinking, maybe he would change. I was wrong....
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Monday, January 19, 2015
Backtracking a Little: My Road to Recovery
I wanted to back track a little bit and say some things I did not say in the beginning of this story. I want to share what happens to someone when they delve into the world of alcohol. I want to share how someone becomes a person who fries his brain with alcohol.
However this is not just about the road to alcohol dementia. It is mostly my journey along side my ex husband as he walked that fateful road. It is about how I stayed in the marriage for 20 years, how I became "that wife". The wife who enabled the alcoholic. How I survived life with an alcoholic and how I finally found the courage to walk away.
It is also about how even though I walked away I struggled to stay away from the entire situation because of our children together. How Jerry's mom was also an enabler and how I finally broke free from the co-dependency of being "that wife".
Then I have come full circle and am once again a part of his life but yet am not. I still have my freedom from him but yet feel imprisoned by my life with an calico and the roads I've traveled.
I hope by the end of this story I am healed and can move past all of this. The family of an alcoholic suffers greatly. I hope that I can help my children heal because they have been effected by the alcoholism too. They actually do much better than me most of the time but they also have ghosts that haunt them. I hope as I write here I can help them heal too through my words and as we move forward together as a family. I am much better than I was years ago but there are still many ghosts that haunt me and this blog is my road to recovery.
However this is not just about the road to alcohol dementia. It is mostly my journey along side my ex husband as he walked that fateful road. It is about how I stayed in the marriage for 20 years, how I became "that wife". The wife who enabled the alcoholic. How I survived life with an alcoholic and how I finally found the courage to walk away.
It is also about how even though I walked away I struggled to stay away from the entire situation because of our children together. How Jerry's mom was also an enabler and how I finally broke free from the co-dependency of being "that wife".
Then I have come full circle and am once again a part of his life but yet am not. I still have my freedom from him but yet feel imprisoned by my life with an calico and the roads I've traveled.
I hope by the end of this story I am healed and can move past all of this. The family of an alcoholic suffers greatly. I hope that I can help my children heal because they have been effected by the alcoholism too. They actually do much better than me most of the time but they also have ghosts that haunt them. I hope as I write here I can help them heal too through my words and as we move forward together as a family. I am much better than I was years ago but there are still many ghosts that haunt me and this blog is my road to recovery.
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Our First Year Together Begins, Honeymoon is Over
And so as they say, after our honeymoon, the honeymoon was over. It was really over before it began but life started to settle in and it was not what I thought it was going to be. I was still madly in love with Jerry and had high hopes.
We started our life with my being a house wife and Jerry working at the cable company where we had met. I loved taking care of our little home.
Every night I would have dinner prepared for Jerry but he let me know right away that made him very mad. He told me that he did not want dinner to be made and ready when he got home . He did not want to have to eat at a certain time. So I stopped preparing dinner.
It would not have mattered if I had dinner ready or not, not long after we were married Jerry stopped coming home after work anyhow. He would either go golfing with his friend and end up at the bar until it closed or he would go drinking with his little brother.I spend many evenings alone. The only way I could see him if if I went to the bar to hang out with him.
We did see each other at lunch and once in a while we went to dinner with friends. This usually meant him drunk by the end of the night but at least we were together.
There were a few times that he would hang out at home like on Sunday but most of the time he would either sleep all day or drink in the afternoon. Sometimes he would start drinking before noon and I would tell him that it wasn't even noon yet. He would say to me "it's five o'clock somewhere." I learned to hate that comment.
There were a few times when we had planned to go fishing together or on a picnic. We would get things together and Jerry would tell me he was going to get cigarettes or something. Then he would not come home and I would find him at the bar later in the night. There were a few times that he actually did not come home at all and I found out that he was in Montrose, Colorado partying with his friends there. This was two hours away. This behavior happened a lot.
We did not have a sex life at all. It really upset me because I would dress all sexy and he would absolutely ignore me. He would not even act like he noticed. Or he would tease me, kiss me and make me think that it might end in a night of passion only to stop and tell me he was going to bed.
His drinking was the main focus of his life. He started drinking beer from the time he got off of work until he went to bed. I thought he would stop someday but wasn't sure when. I just thought maybe he would love me enough to quit.
He would also just stop talking to me for days at a time. He would respond when I would ask him questions but that would be all. He would sit on the sofa with his arms folded while I wondered what was wrong. I would sit next to him and try to cuddle but he would push me away. Later I would ask him why he treated me that way and he would tell me that he was mad at me but couldn't' remember why. This was so very hurtful to me but I still had hope for us.
That is about how our first year played out. Him drunk, me sad. I did drink with him sometimes but never really enjoyed myself.
The summer after our first year of marriage Jerry also lost his job at the cable company. He was late a lot because of his drinking and his boss finally had enough and fired him. I had called in for him several times saying that he was ill but his boss was friends with him and knew better.
I was the typical alcoholics wife though and at this point in time my Alden began. I would tell people that he drank when we were out and about but he really didn't drink that much when we were at home. He did but I didn't want to admit that he had a problem. I had become that woman I did not want to be. the wife who defended her husband and enabled his drinking.
We started our life with my being a house wife and Jerry working at the cable company where we had met. I loved taking care of our little home.
Every night I would have dinner prepared for Jerry but he let me know right away that made him very mad. He told me that he did not want dinner to be made and ready when he got home . He did not want to have to eat at a certain time. So I stopped preparing dinner.
It would not have mattered if I had dinner ready or not, not long after we were married Jerry stopped coming home after work anyhow. He would either go golfing with his friend and end up at the bar until it closed or he would go drinking with his little brother.I spend many evenings alone. The only way I could see him if if I went to the bar to hang out with him.
We did see each other at lunch and once in a while we went to dinner with friends. This usually meant him drunk by the end of the night but at least we were together.
There were a few times that he would hang out at home like on Sunday but most of the time he would either sleep all day or drink in the afternoon. Sometimes he would start drinking before noon and I would tell him that it wasn't even noon yet. He would say to me "it's five o'clock somewhere." I learned to hate that comment.
There were a few times when we had planned to go fishing together or on a picnic. We would get things together and Jerry would tell me he was going to get cigarettes or something. Then he would not come home and I would find him at the bar later in the night. There were a few times that he actually did not come home at all and I found out that he was in Montrose, Colorado partying with his friends there. This was two hours away. This behavior happened a lot.
We did not have a sex life at all. It really upset me because I would dress all sexy and he would absolutely ignore me. He would not even act like he noticed. Or he would tease me, kiss me and make me think that it might end in a night of passion only to stop and tell me he was going to bed.
His drinking was the main focus of his life. He started drinking beer from the time he got off of work until he went to bed. I thought he would stop someday but wasn't sure when. I just thought maybe he would love me enough to quit.
He would also just stop talking to me for days at a time. He would respond when I would ask him questions but that would be all. He would sit on the sofa with his arms folded while I wondered what was wrong. I would sit next to him and try to cuddle but he would push me away. Later I would ask him why he treated me that way and he would tell me that he was mad at me but couldn't' remember why. This was so very hurtful to me but I still had hope for us.
That is about how our first year played out. Him drunk, me sad. I did drink with him sometimes but never really enjoyed myself.
The summer after our first year of marriage Jerry also lost his job at the cable company. He was late a lot because of his drinking and his boss finally had enough and fired him. I had called in for him several times saying that he was ill but his boss was friends with him and knew better.
I was the typical alcoholics wife though and at this point in time my Alden began. I would tell people that he drank when we were out and about but he really didn't drink that much when we were at home. He did but I didn't want to admit that he had a problem. I had become that woman I did not want to be. the wife who defended her husband and enabled his drinking.
Friday, January 9, 2015
I have not been on here for a few days. Life sometimes just gets in the way. So, back to my journey.
Our wedding was very beautiful. I was so happy on that day and the way Jerry looked at me as he said "I do" was priceless.
He was of course drunk at our wedding but at the time I figured he is 27 years old and having a good time. He was a fun drunk and always the life of the party so I didn't mind but yet I did. I always had that thought of being the wife of an alcoholic in the back of my mind. I did not want to be that woman.
Our reception was fun and after the reception we went to Durango, Colorado for the night. The next day we headed to Grand Junction for our Honeymoon. It has been many years so I don't remember what all we did but I do remember what we didn't do. We didn't spend a lot of time in our room like I had imagined a honeymoon to be.
I had envisioned us making love all night and then waking up to a repeat of the same. I was very wrong. Yes we made love the night we got there but the next morning, nothing happened. Jerry teased me only to get up and tell me it was time to get ready and go see sights. He said that it was silly to be in the room all day.
We had a nice time but it was not the romantic time I had thought it would be. We did not make love again the entire trip which was disappointing to a 20 year old young woman with romance in her eyes and dreams in her heart of this wonderful life ahead. I was about to learn that all of that was a dream and things would not be like I thought. I would become "that woman."
Our wedding was very beautiful. I was so happy on that day and the way Jerry looked at me as he said "I do" was priceless.
He was of course drunk at our wedding but at the time I figured he is 27 years old and having a good time. He was a fun drunk and always the life of the party so I didn't mind but yet I did. I always had that thought of being the wife of an alcoholic in the back of my mind. I did not want to be that woman.
Our reception was fun and after the reception we went to Durango, Colorado for the night. The next day we headed to Grand Junction for our Honeymoon. It has been many years so I don't remember what all we did but I do remember what we didn't do. We didn't spend a lot of time in our room like I had imagined a honeymoon to be.
I had envisioned us making love all night and then waking up to a repeat of the same. I was very wrong. Yes we made love the night we got there but the next morning, nothing happened. Jerry teased me only to get up and tell me it was time to get ready and go see sights. He said that it was silly to be in the room all day.
We had a nice time but it was not the romantic time I had thought it would be. We did not make love again the entire trip which was disappointing to a 20 year old young woman with romance in her eyes and dreams in her heart of this wonderful life ahead. I was about to learn that all of that was a dream and things would not be like I thought. I would become "that woman."
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